I’m
going to launch straight into it. I haven’t bothered blogging because a) I have
been glued to the Olympics and b) the rest of the world has been glued to the
Olympics and thus are not reading blogs. Of course, the best part of the past
two weeks has been the Olympics, but (sob) the worst part is that Ryk Neethling
cut out my heart with a rusty Olympic ring and left it on the side of the
aquatic centre pool in London.
How did
he break my heart? He told me (OK, he didn’t so much tell 'me' as tweeted it) that
‘Jakabos in lane 2 is probably the best-looking girl in the pool. Wow’. My shredded heart is devastated even more by
the fact that it's bad enough that he's no idea that I exist but,
now, so do his 26 296 followers. (Still, at least I’m not in crush with Le Clos.
Looking at all his retweets that poor lad is getting
inundated with all kinds of unreasonable requests of love from every far-flung corner of
the globe).
Obviously,
I had to go and Google (a.k.a. stalk) this Jakabos destroyer-of-dreams-crusher-of-crushes. I found
out that she is Hungarian and that her name is Zsuzsanna.
(Exhibit A)
I know right? Super cool name with, like, TWO Z’s in it. Nothing could have prepared me
for the magnificence of this girl.
Firstly, she must be bionic or something because she has one of the most
incredible bodies I have ever seen (*makes plans to take up swimming again,
IMMEDIATELY*).
Secondly,
she has a gorgeous face. I’m
pretty sure that it’s not within the natural order of things to be blessed with
talent, tenacity AND good looks.
It just seems a bit greedy to me.
However, the alarming thing that these games have revealed is that Jakabos is just one of MANY of these good-looking-talented-tenacious types.
Take
her fellow countryman, Daniel Gyurta for instance. (Exhibit B)
Do they breed
these fabulous genes in a Petri dish? I actually watched the race where Daniel
won Gold for 200m breaststroke (I try to not get carried away at the thought of
the word ‘breast-stroke’.) He’s a machine. A good looking, well oiled, machine.
Watching
these beautiful, hard-working, talented people made me realise that sadly, the
list of events that I could potentially take part in one day, is diminishing with
every passing four years.
Firstly,
I had to eliminate all the events that require small, tight outfits. This was very disappointing because
mostly, those are the events that I'd really like to do. Swimming’s out because the
new swimsuits (though well covered enough in the well-covered area) would
surely force my third and forth boobs to be revealed. The same goes for the
diving and synchronized swimming suits. Way too high cut below and way to low
cut above. In short, all aquatic related suits are certainly NOT made with any
bust whatsoever in mind.
Gymnastics
is also a no-go. Although I’m implying that the leotards
(they’re shiny now, did you notice that?) are the only issue, truthfully, it’s
more than that. I have a clear image in my mind of me trying to mount the beam: I look something like a small, chubby puppy trying to climb a
rather large step.
Athletics
is definitely out. The athletics’ hot-slash-boykini pants on me would cause people
to weep. The thought of running in
such small attire causes me immediate and irreversible panic – I could think of
nothing more horrific (other than running naked, that is.)
For
reasons best kept to myself, I've also had to eliminate all sports that involve
balls and other kids of equipment (paddles, hammers, discuses, javelins etc. Clue:
extreme awkwardness of navigating anything other than my own body in space.)
Here’s
the list of events I could possibly entertain working towards:
Archery : Good
outfits but I’m battling as it is with permanent lines on my face, that
‘archery-sneer’ will only make things worse.
Basque pelota: This
sounds good. I have no idea what it is but it sounds very French and
sophisticated. I expect it
involves skills like how to ash your cigarette in a sexy way and that it could even involve something like a lunch break. Yes, I think I could manage this
one. (Exhibit C)
Equestrian: Although
I’d love to try and pull off the whole hat and crop look (who wouldn’t?) since
my run-in with BA (Bad Attitude) in Argentina I think I’ll give anything
involving horses a wide berth.
Fencing : Now
this I could get into. I’d not
only be fully clothed, but my face would be covered so that if I make a fool of
myself nobody will know who I am. Also, white’s my colour. Yes. Tick for
fencing.
Jeu de paume : This
sounds fiercely fun. Is it perhaps some kind of endurance cheerleading? (paume is
French for pompom, right?)
Shooting: Actually
no. Just no.
Judo and Taekwondo: Truthfully, I'd just want to do these for the bowing at the beginning and the end. I’ve
been working on the right facial expression and everything.
Softball: To match my soft arse? Think I’ll give it a miss.
Roque: Again, no idea what this is but it
sounds like it might involve tying rope into different kinds of dangerous
knots.
Croquet:
Yes. But only if we get to mill around, speak posh, wear pretty frocks and have
loads of pink gins.
Now that
I look at it, I’m not sure that Wikipedia's 'list of Olympic Events' is to be believed because I'm quite certain that I didn’t see coverage of any croquet or all those French named sports. (Another
Olympic Mystery? No matter what time of day there was always weightlifting
on?)
Anyhow,
I’m off to buy my very first pack of cigarettes (ever) so that I can get working on that
old Basque pelota before Rio 2014. See you on the
Olympic flipside.
